VALIDATION SKILL

SESSION ONLINE VERSION

Theme song: Watch “Sit Down Young Stranger” video.

MINDFULNESS “A GOOD LIFE” EXERCISE
Visualize a good life for someone you care about.

Step 1: Imagine someone you care about a child, partner, spouse, friend, parent, etc. at whatever age you wish. Picture them doing well in whatever activity, job, relationship or situation you desire for them. Be specific. See them in full detail. What are they wearing? Notice their hair, body position, the expression on their face.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 2: Observe your own feelings as you watch them independently and successfully live in harmony with their surroundings.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 3: Fully experience releasing them into their own self-reliant experience and bless them in your mind for the ability to live life fully and happily.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 4: Spend a few moments visualizing this scene in as much detail as possible as if it were absolutely true.

Let at least 15 seconds pass before moving on to the next step.

Step 5: Now gradually allow the scene to move away from you and release it into a clear, blue sky. Watch as it disappears over the horizon, up, up and out of view.

Let at least 15 seconds pass.

Discuss: What was your experience like? What did you notice? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Review your commitments from the Understand Emotion session.

·      Answer the questions on the Effective Emotions Worksheet.

·      Complete the Weekly DBT Diary.

·      Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.

1. Imagine going to the doctor concerned about a health problem you’ve been experiencing. You try to describe your symptoms but don’t feel like the doctor is listening or understanding. You attempt to communicate your concerns more forcefully, and get the sense that the doctor feels you’re overreacting. He then rattles off a list of things you’ve been doing wrong and things he wants you to do differently.

Discuss: How likely would you be to follow the advice and recommendations of a doctor who hadn’t been interested in hearing or understanding your experiences first? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Validation improves relationships by showing we are listening and understand. It is especially beneficial if we or our loved one are prone to intense emotions, emotional outbursts or unwanted behaviors. Validation can help to:

·       Defuse intense emotions

·       Reduce the pressure to prove who is right, to calm power struggles

·       Reduce anger

·       Decrease unwanted or increase wanted behaviors

·       Strengthen your relationship

·       Encourage more effective communication

Watch: “It's Not About the Nail” video.

3. Validation means finding the kernel of truth in someone’s perspective of a situation that verifies their facts. It acknowledges that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are real, make sense, have causes and are understandable to you. It is important to validate the valid, and only the valid, of others experiences, feelings, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts. You can validate others by using one of six basic levels of validation:

V1. Pay attention, stay awake -- Look interested, listen, and observe facial expressions, body language and what is happening. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Nod occasionally. Respond with your face. Smile at happy statements; look concerned when you hear something painful.

V2. Reflect back. -- Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually understand what the person is saying or doing. Try to really “get” what they feel or think. (Reflective Listening is introduced in the “Effective Communication” session.)

V3. Develop a ‘third ear’. Read minds.  Be sensitive to what is not being said or expressed.

4. V4. Understand. -- Given their past learning and experience, state of mind or body, and current events in your environment are they making sense. Remember you probably know more about your loved one than anyone else. Validation is an opportunity to use that knowledge to help them change.

V5. Acknowledge the valid. -- Even if you don’t approve or if you feel their belief is incorrect show that you see the persons thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current reality and the facts. Demonstrate that you understand in words or by your actions.

V6. Be Yourself. -- Be willing to admit mistakes. Give up being defensive. Be careful in giving advice or telling them what to do if you are not asked to do so. Treat the other person as an equal, don’t make them feel like they are fragile or incompetent. Completing the “Did I Validate? Worksheet” at the end of this session can help you be better prepared to validate.

Discuss: Are there levels of validation you are doing? Which levels of validation are you struggling with? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Watch: “To Kill a Mockingbird” video.

5. Like Mary Badham’s character in the “To Kill a Mockingbird” film when we feel as if our thoughts and feelings are being dismissed, minimized or misunderstood (in-validated) our emotions can become more intense as we try to get others to understand. The good news is that our most effective responses to those in need are usually very simple. Like Gregory Peck’s character, the greatest gift he can give his daughter is to show interest in her, ask questions, listen with love and help her feel safe sharing with him. Regardless of our best intentions, it can be easy to say things that are in-validating when we are trying to help others through difficult times. This should not scare us away from continuing to try and be helpful.

VALIDATING OR IN-VALIDATING ACTIVITY

Step 1: Read the following responses and decide if they are validating or in-validating. Put an "X" in either the “Validating” or “In-validating” box.

“At least you still have. . ."

“This must be really hard. . ."

“Everything happens for a reason. . ."

“Just look on the bright side. . ."

“I can’t imagine what you are going through. . ."

“I’m glad you told me about this. . ."

"You’re manipulating me. . ."

“This too shall pass. . ."

“I’m happy to listen any time. . ."

“It’s all in your head. . ."

“I want to make sure I understand. . ."

“What has this been like for you?"

“This must be hard to talk about. . ."

“You’re interrupting me. . ."

“I know how you feel. . ."

“What do you need right now?"

Step 2: What do the in-validating statements have in common? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Step 3: What do the validating statements have in common? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6. Every interaction we have with someone is an opportunity to validate them. Validating others thoughts, feelings or actions does not mean that we like or agree with them. It simply means that we acknowledge them and understand (or are attempting to understand) where they are coming from. When people are in emotional crisis, we frequently jump into problem-solving mode. We think we are responsible for providing the help they need or that we should be an expert on solving other’s problems. We tell people what we think they should do. (Remember the doctor’s office visit story at the start of this session.) While we may have something of value to share, when someone is in a state of high emotion, they are unlikely to be receptive to even the best advice. Don’t try to fix, just validate.

Watch: “La La Land” video.

7. Self-invalidation involves rejecting or invalidating your emotions. When you're stuck in emotion vulnerability, you're caught up in your emotions, and when you're stuck in self-invalidation, you're judging or rejecting yourself for having these emotions. You can validate yourself by using one of the same six basic levels of validation. Completing the Self-Invalidation Worksheet accompany this session will help you learn how to get unstuck.

V1. Pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings and observable behaviors.

V2. Reflect back by describing to yourself your private thoughts, feelings and observable behaviors.

8. V3. Be sensitive to what you are not saying or expressing. What are your emotions and the situation telling you that you need.

V4. Understand your thoughts and feelings. Remember given your past learning and experience, state of mind or body, and current events in your environment you are doing the best you can.

V5. Acknowledge the valid, even if others don’t approve or if they feel your belief is incorrect. Stand up for yourself when you, feelings, or actions are valid.

V6. Treat yourself as equal to others, don’t let them make you feel that you are fragile or incompetent.

9. Whenever we are tempted to invalidate ourselves or others, we need to first acknowledge that we are all doing the best we can AND that we can do better. Quick validating affirmations include – “I know”, “Makes sense”, “Of course” and “Me too!”. Validation also provides appropriate encouragement like “I can do this or You can do this”, “I believe in you or I believe”, “I have faith in our relationship”. Validation like any other DBT skill becomes more effective and natural with practice.

As we roll the Validation – DBT Skill end credits think about what is the most important thing you learned in this session and what will you do differently because of what you learned. Write your thoughts below.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Watch: Validation — DBT Skill End Credits video.

Session Commitments

Use the Did I Validate Worksheet to practice the validation skill.

Use the Self-Invalidation Worksheet to analyze your feelings.

Complete the Weekly DBT Diary.

Come prepared to the next session to share your experience using DBT skills.